By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Why cant you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? Santa was having a terrible day. I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. You must agree with me, right? Doctor, doctor! **A man doesn't come home one night. What do you call a lazy bull? In addition to the 70 jokes below, we've also got dad jokes , jokes for kiddos , mom jokes , and jokes for holidays that you can share them with the youngest person in the room (be sure to bookmark our April Fool's jokes for next year!) For more information, please see our ' Tim Vine, I have kleptomania. Click here for more information. Why couldnt the frog find where he parked his car? Here are some more knock-knock jokes everyone will appreciate. Learn the secrets to telling a great joke, straight from stand-up comedians. I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. She couldnt control her pupils. Its fine now, she woke up. My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. !" It was a long, dramatic, drawn-out way of telling us to shut-up. I once had a teacher with a lazy eye. 2. You want a piece of me? What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat? He said, I want you to trace someone for me. Why couldnt the pirate play cards? The other morning he wakes up in his bed, breakfast is waiting next to him, his clothes are neatly folded over the chair. What kind of music do mummies listen to? Why cant you trust duck doctors? Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? Do you know the most common heard phrase at an Arkansas prom?. Anti-jokes guaranteed to make you chuckle Anti-jokes are in a league of their own when it comes to humor. ' Tim Vine, Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. What did the science book say to the math book? Why didnt the vampire attack Taylor Swift? I was involved in very organised crime. Milton Jones, I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper dicing with death. Tim Vine. Which school subject was the witchs favorite? 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners Why dont melons get married? Whats the best thing about Switzerland? Local man killed by falling piano. Making his way inside, he is shocked to see Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top Fame standing behind the counter, serving tea. Selling doors, door-to-door. Bill Bailey. My grief counselor died. A con descending. What do cows most like to read? Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. Here are some corny jokes to share with your friends and family. Why are elephants wrinkly? Reddit userJesus_The_Super_Jew. How do you stop a bull from charging? What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? They hissed and made up. Super Smash Bros Jokes. The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?". Ive found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. Two Cadillac drivers got in a fender-bender, got out of their cars, and then started yelling at each other. What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Why were the fishs grades bad? Bursting into the house, I tore from room to room, calling for the dog. Smiling should be an everyday activity, which is why telling corny jokes should be an everyday activity. A do-you-think-he-saw-us. Im addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want. Why does Waldo wear stripes? Whats orange and sounds like a parrot? Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? When do computers overheat? A salesman had to make a cold call in a city he had never visited. The elf-abet. I didnt know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. Kids may not know how to drive, but that doesnt stop them from loving cars any less. The barman asks him if he wants to have a go at the challenge. Because Sakurai heard that smash players were attracted to miners. I mean, really. , but I feel like I was just born with mine. What did the snail say when it was riding on the turtles back? Why did the chicken go to the sance? He gets treated with great respect since hes such a talented actor. Why is the grass so dangerous? No matter how greasy the grill is, you will enjoy them. Jokes for adults and kids to tell every day. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Here are a few to start off with: These clean, corny jokes and puns will give everyone a good laugh without making anyone uncomfortable. How do you make an octopus laugh? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment. Why did the stadium get hot after the game? short for? What was the frogs job at the hotel? One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times. Milton Jones. With occasionallyAlan Partridgeesque results. @AntiJokeCat. Numbers arent sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear. Husband: Honey, the neighbor is washing the car with his son again!, Wife: Poor kid! 105 of the funniest short jokes that will have you laughing in seconds "My phone will ring at 2am and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" I say, "I don't know. Ill go on ahead. The punchline comes, you cringe and turn to your old man . . If youre unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends, plus more chemistry jokes. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Cattle-logs. "Can you go and get me another one please?" 25 of Spike Milligans greatest gags How do you make a tissue dance? What is your opinion of burgers? Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year. Go over there and tell him to use a sponge instead.. Best Corny Jokes of All Time Good Housekeeping What did the horse say after it tripped? A palm tree. Theyre making headlines. When you get hit by a guitar truck, is it a fender-bender? Why did the student eat his homework? You have my Word! What lights up a soccer stadium? Son: i learned that the bugs that wake up early gets eaten by birds. 1. A carrot. I've fallen and I can't giddyup! Why are the Irish so wealthy? Asia What do you say to a frog who needs a ride? Trivia Questions Your face muscles. Cookie Notice You can find her byline on pieces about grammar, fun facts, the meanings of various head-scratching words and phrases, and more. I have some bad news and some very bad news which would you like to hear first?". 26. Its making headlines! Lean beef. It never really took off. Milton Jones, Recently I went on a ballooning holiday I put on four stone! Milton Jones. A brick. Between you and me, something smells. He wanted to find Pluto! No worries, we are here for you! Can you smell carrots? I just saw two zombies on a date. Family Friendly Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? If a car's chasing you, you'll definitely get tired. Shocked, the couple hastes to the old mansion and knock on the door. His parents were in a jam. He whispers it in you ear as he's standing behind you. Workplace. Im friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. They can make anyones day! Make sure to share them with everyone soon! I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. Tom Ward. I thought: Hes trying to pull a fast one. 2021 Associated Newspapers Limited. My guess is you laughed out loud at these jokes if you love hamburgers! You have to be the tastiest burger I've ever had. Theres no menu, you only get what you deserve. Grilling is a great time to share cow jokes. Last Updated: August 11th 2021. They crack up too easily. Pandemic What type of brief packs a punch? Good news: After the wreck, your Audi is finally an innie. They always hog the puck. Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? I have no idea; I dont speak French. He took out an empty bottle and smashed it onto the wall swearing, "you are the reason I don't have a wife. Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. Didn't knew so many people live in Alabama. What do you call a bear with no teeth? Bored games. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? I don't know why". I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. She told me to come in, so I did. These funny burger jokes are perfect to share with your friends and family at a barbecue or cookout this summer. Officer. Jokes to Message Your Coworker. What do you call a blind dinosaur? Making his way inside, he is shocked to see Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top Fame standing behind the counter, serving tea. He was having to manually make toys out of wood. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Why did the kid cross the playground? Burgers made with fresh beef patties are the best! Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. The eeriest. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. Why shouldnt you write with a broken pen? 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes Its at least five., And I suppose Spurs are nearer to being out of the FA Cup now than any other time since the first half of this season, when they werent ever in it anyway., Its so different from the scenes in 1872, at the Cup Final none of us can remember., The goals made such a difference to the way this game went., The match has become quite unpredictable, but it still looks as though Arsenal will win the cup., On a breakfast-time Beckham penalty at the 2002 World Cup: Holdon to yourcups and glasses you can smash them now, David Beckham has scored!, When Wimbledon took a shock victory over Liverpool in the Cup Final: The Crazy Gang have beaten the Culture Club., On Zinedine Zidanes infamous headbutt: And the referee has gone across now with his hand in his pocket. If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels. Data. I did it over tape, and I didn't hear back for a few . 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes, 27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country, 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners, 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley, 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes, 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes, 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes, Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier, 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes, 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes, 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults, 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling, The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team, 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes, 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe), 41 of Bill Baileys most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners, 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before, 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners, 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes, 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes, 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes, 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners, 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes, 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults, 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners, 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips, 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, When Mercury retrograde ends and meaning behind the astrological event, Irans secret war on British soil: Poison plots, kidnap attempts and kill threats, Disabled children locked out of 210m in savings as senior Tories demand trust fund rule change, Rishi Sunak to use coronation for diplomatic 'speed dating' blitz with world leaders, 'I was spiked and raped but saw no justice. They go into the kitchen where Alice offers her a cold soda and opens the fridge. But hay its in my jeans. and our 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley 16. I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. No pun in 10 did. Her passion are jokes for the youngest and about animals. She constantly cries, begging me to stop. Don't be a pesSIMist! Just let it fall. Theyre on the way out! Tim Vine. Doctor: "The bad news" doctor notes, "is that I got your test results and you have 24 hours to live.". By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. but roses can also be many other colors, including yellow, pink, and white; and violets actually look more purple than blue, hence their name. I'm talking traffic cone huggin, pavement lickin kershnickered. With ten-tickles. As the football season draws to a close, so too will the career of one of the sports most instantly recognisable voices. He told me to stop going there. Did you hear about the tree's birthday party? Learn to . Did you hear that Im reading a book about anti-gravity? This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING. If you're not sure what to say when you meet someone new, a good joke or pun can break the ice. Try to say these corny jokes aloud without cracking a smile. Quotes From Famous People He was good at bacon. Whats that restaurant on the moon like? Studying GATEN MATARAZZO: It was just an audition. Birthday Jokes 1. He walks up and asks "Hey, aren't you Billy Gibbons?"\\ "Sure am." "Are the other guys her . Apparently he wasn't home because he was off studying with some other friends at their place. To get to the other side. The dad says: "I fucked your mom!" To which the son replies instantly: "Yeah, well I've been deeper inside her than you'll ever be!" This joke may contain profanity. A fridge. What do sims have to pay for spelling books? So the Buddhist man jumps first. What does corn say when it gets a compliment? He heads on down to see a long line of women outside, all waiting to get inside. Whether its the swift one-liners of Tim Vine or Milton Jones, or a more traditionally structured joke, these quick-fire quips will have your friends rolling around on the floor. Mom: imagine two birds. But these Halloween jokes will give you real laughs! He checked into a hotel the night before his presentation. 9. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Get the best corny jokes below! What do you call an alligator detective? I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. He got lost at C. Why cant you trust the king of the jungle? He couldnt see himself doing it. A sour puss. First, Edward was a vampire. Because she was stuffed. Exit signs? Paul mentions that he just bought a giant Pink Ape. I hear in New York City it's hailing taxis!". What does a baby computer call his father? The first one is on the house. Tim Vine. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Whats Forrest Gumps password? The Hepatitis Bee. Milton Jones, Hedgehogs why cant they just share the hedge? Dan Antolpolski, The pollen count, now thats a difficult job. How far do you think I can kick this bucket. Why dont eggs tell jokes? You look flushed. Funny Jokes Today Jokes Funny-ish Burger Jokes to Make Your Grill Go Round and Round. Especially if youve got hay fever. Milton Jones. I just got nine out of 10 on my drivers test. A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. What does a nosy pepper do? Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.**. Mistle-toes. Where does the electric cord go to shop? No joke. Historians believe that most pirates were most likely illiterate. What did the policeman say to his belly button? What do you call a snobby criminal going down the stairs? The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. She took the carb-orator off my car! Shulk bracing for pain: I'M REALLY STEELING IT. Glass and bags go everywhere. The first one says, Weeoouhh. The next whale says, Shut up, Steve. Make sure you have hilarious puns ready so you can make new friends wherever life takes you. I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Nick Helm. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right. Check out Funny Jokes Todays entire collection to find more puns. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. Of course, you can always text these funny jokes to the friends you've already made. Close. John Motson . Why did the kid stock up on yeast? The more they make me facepalm, the better. Because they're always popping! these dark jokes, you might just be a genius! Then it hit me. These hysterically bad ideas that actually worked out well are sure to get you chuckling, too. Because his father was a wafer so long! Enjoy! Elves werent working. My sim keeps gaining weight! Friend of mine installed a new window in a local branch of Vision Express, then realised he's got the wrong place. All the fans left. 1forrest1. ", Because I want to smash you until all that white stuff comes out. I needed a running start, but I made it! There were three movies, and a couple of short films too. Check out these physics jokes thatll make you wish you paid more attention in science class. Spring Whether you're in need of a quick knock knock joke to get your kids talking, something seasonal to celebrate a holiday, a witty animal joke for your fur-loving child or just a joke to. Wow, youve got problems. 15. Inspirational Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider! Give me my quarterback. 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes Plagiarism: Getting into trouble for something you didn't do. After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. Tomb it may concern. 14. They have eyes. A receding hare line. save. They would set up elaborate dioramas on the 'truck table', adding to the displays whenever Indy came into possession of a new truck. Just received a card full of rice. He found a nice little bar about a block away, sat down at a table and ordered a drink. What do you call a boring dinosaur? Why couldn't the sim go to the toilet? Check out some of our favorite science jokes. Food He got arrested for breaking a nectarine. He parks on a busy street and leaves it in plain view in the back seat with the doors unlocked. Leave the pizza in the oven. What do you call a man that irons clothes? "Luters, I expect. I used to be addicted to soap, but Im clean now. Getting the ones with more fat will give you more flavor, but getting the leaner ones will make you look better. How do you catch a whole school of fish? He was outstanding in his field. What did one hat say to the other? Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? Hes a little shellfish. An investi-gator. 105+ Corny Jokes to Send to Friends. ' Tim Vine, My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. A vigilANTe! Iron Man. Throwing, The police said, "A man can do whatever he wants in his own living room. Posted by. 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe)41 of Bill Baileys most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before40 of the funniest jokes about Brexit25 of Spike Milligans greatest gags100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes49 of Monty Pythons funniest jokes45 of Ricky Gervais funniest jokes17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life100 of Homer Simpsons greatest quotes50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes25 of Rik Mayalls greatest quotes25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes50 of the funniest Father Ted quotesRed Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-linersDerry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes50 of the best lines from Peep Show20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darlingThe 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes.

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