Its because of Poppy. If we do have a boy, we have already decided his middle name will be Ronan, of course. Gnite baby doll. I honestly do. Thank you, Amy for hooking this up. The sweet lady told me it was. You are back now so please just take these next few days to just stop. You were a child. How do you know everything? I grab my Ambien that I now only take due to emergencies. So I just turned around, walked back and wrapped my arms around him instead. But he was stolen from me by childhood cancer. OUCH!!!! How could anyone look at your face, and not be broken-hearted? I watched your daddy come home from work today. Her baby, was 21 when she was diagnosed. It was my best Thanksgiving, ever. Because they never gave up on the you and me part of this. The way I run myself ragged, Im surprised it took this long. He deserved to be mine, for much longer than almost 4 years. Our Fairy RoMo. I took a minute to get myself under control and just told him, I miss him for you too. That was all. I have the best doctor I know in Omaha at the ER waiting for you. A heavy wave of sadness washed over me. Everyone else buzzed about, working their butts off to make this Run Like A Rockstar 5k run, happened and it ran smoothly. I am doing the only thing I know how which is leaving this all in the hands of you. They so want to help with our mission and were so touched by our story that they created this show called Emotional Mojo. Me: I couldnt talk so I didnt. Ive been having flashbacks of the end of your days, off and on today. I told him to hang on, that if I didnt send this email, I would forget to do it. He sat. Not cancer) which you know I am always thankful for. You dont. I had a nice thing happen to me today. I took everything she said to heart and appreciated her willingnessto be so open and honest with me. I just want my best friend back. Tomorrow, I will bake with Macy. Ive had to start thinking about things like what it is going to be like, when Poppy arrives. One of my oldest friends, Laura was sweet enough to stay back with me so I didnt have to walk alone. Rach. I am going to take the day that you left me and rename it and make it the name that it deserves. Hey, can you meet me in New York next week to meet with some publishing houses? I just smiled at Dr. JoRo. If it is, fix it. Ill just stick with pie for now. I am overwhelmed. What I wouldnt give to have just one more second with you. I will never stop fighting for all that was taken away from you. Ro and Mr. Sparkly Eyes tonight. Its early in the day around 5 a.m. She is a wonderful doctor. Im sorry, Im sorry, Im sorry., Him: Stop saying youre sorry. Today, I didnt see anything I liked and I just wanted to rip everything off of the racks. I really wanted a girl. Hello, who the fuck does this life/grief/pregnancy/death fuckwad, think they are dealing with? He tried once again to shake my hand and laughed as I grabbed him for a hug. All dressed up. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. Let the strategizing, begin. I just want to sit and cry, so I do. I just sat and cried into the phone. I know we can change this. A mother doesnt survive something like this. Today, was not a day I expected at all. This never happens for me. So, where to start? Ill bet if we would have lived here, Ronan would not have gotten cancer and died. I will forever go on searching for you in this messed up world full of things that dont make sense. She put the little wand over my belly. that my New York Miss Macy made me. I just told him I had a lot going on in my head, like always. That woman humbles me like no other. Especially when it involves you, which it always does. I dont want anyone at the hospital, except your daddy and your brothers when the time is right and she is here, safe and sound. What do you mean, no more pictures of Baby Ro? Plain and simple. I am sick and tired of this blinding sun. He said some more things to me that I wont repeat, but left me saying, How do you know that? To me that just screamed how much your little lifeis missed by us all. The cancer had not spread and was confined to just that one area. I dont function well in a bullshit and pretending world. WTF asshole mother fucker who thought I could handle all of this. Our seal needed a little make-over and update. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. Until 7:30 this morning. Im doing this for Ronan and Teddy because that is all that matters. Oh, Ive also been taking the best care ever of your Poppy sister 24/7. You have to carry this around with you forever, while the ones who cared about Ronan, your family, your friends, get to go on with their lives. I told your brothers. I came home and fell into a deep sleep. Dr. Jo. On Friday, 'Ronan (Taylor's Version)' was widely released for the first time as the album's 21st track For many of Swift's younger or more casual fans, this may be their first time hearing the song. I got through your diagnoses and I had no idea writing about that again would leave my head spinning in the way that it did. I did my best all week to do the normal mom things that I have to do to run our house. I know this is what you would want. What amazing little girls. Clarity tonight is mine and I'm not letting it go. Its been a few days since Ive really cried and I guess Ive been holding a lot in by distracting myself and being so busy. Darling. You were mine. I am heartbroken at the way our cancer kids are just brushed aside as if they are a dirty little secret. Through my flood of tears I sent your Sparkly a text, Can you please get Ronans costume for me. I promise to be the best mama to her. 1 comment. This one has been in the works for a while but it is nothing I have been pursuing seriously. Shot after shot after shot. As frustrated and sad as I am, this just motivates me more to continue this fight. I am blaming it on my old age;) 34 feels a lot different from being pregnant at 25 and 29. Dr. I always skip over it if it comes on my playlist. Our super secret meeting required us leaving my house at the butt crack of dawn this morning and driving half way to L.A. a.k.a The Wigwam Resort in Litchfield Park, AZ. https://kjzz.org/content/1737378/you-were-my-best-4-years-scottsdale-mom-reflects-taylor-swifts-rerelease-ronan?fbclid=IwAR0enkIGpunEZ1qheo1ngCebWs7VHK59S0wR3YE7pVWlQJaviWYlMFquNSk. I was in the hospital and I had this baby of ours. We simply wanted some fucking lightbulbs changed out for one day, to recognize this world that deserves better. I left there feeling like I am somewhat in control of this even though I know I am not. I love you. Sooooooo New York!!! He looked at me the other morning and asked what was going on, that I was having such an awful time sleeping. I hope you are safe. I miss you. I was mesmerized by her. You can see the link for the website here. I was not about to put on a pretend one for him either. I am about to have this baby girl and also your 2 years since you died is right around the corner. I had a flashback to the days of when I used to ohhhh and awwww over baby girl clothes. They offered to buy a new one. We shall see if I succeed this year. As long as you are the reason I am going, to keep things moving forward with your foundation, your memory, and your spirit I know great things will come from this trip. I love you, Ronan. I had to tell him I was pregnant with this baby, over the phone. I dont know what in the world happened, but I spent most of the day wiping tears away from my eyes. Staying in bed, in NOT good for my mental well being. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that you are dead and the world is just going on when mine seems to be standing still. So I shoved the phone away and rocked myself as I sob and cry and cry. Melissa. Are you sure? The technician told me she was about 90% sure. I fucking hate 2 a.m. 2 a.m. blows. I very rarely know happiness of my own. I was hoping she wasnt thinking, Who is this crazed stalker with purple hair?? I was just happy to finish without injuring myself even more. Mawahahahahaha. His keys, our son, on our dresser. As we were sitting there waiting, Mandy goes, You know you can find out the sex of the baby here, right? I told her I wasnt aware of that as I thought I had to wait until I saw my OBGYN in a couple more weeks. I went to see Dr. JoRo. I ran the lake as fast as I could with an injured knee from my previous running that I have been doing. It was good to see them. We have about one idea for a first name. It felt like home. She has been diagnosed with Rhabdomyosarcoma, but luckily, it has been caught early, at Stage 1. Your picture is enough. on Bye Bye Little Sad House! I was excited about this meeting but as always I go in not expecting a thing. Your brothers are playing a slew of sports 24/7. P.S. I met with one editor from a certain publishing house, more than once. There is a missing layer to all of this and it is only something that Dr. Badass JoRo can deliver. Posted on July 28, 2011 July 28, 2011 Author rockstarronan Categories Uncategorized Tags Coldplay, Fix you, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Rockstar Ronan. Its so funny. Those moments mean so much to me. My shot hurt for you. First things first, Ronan. The exact same things feel so wrong and are so hard for me. I am trying not to panic about it all, but I said to your daddy tonight, We need to come up with alast minuteMay plan, because Icant behere. He promised me he would, so I am trying to relax a bit about it but it has still been keeping me awake at night. I spent the rest of the morning calling and texting our closest peeps. It was so not fair or right. I left her office, feeling tired and sad. She will be a part of you and I cannot wait to meet her. Hopefully in the next month or so, Ill have some of my energy back, but until then, I WILL power through this. I will be thankful for those moments. The days are lost for me. Please keep watching over Ben with the Bald Head for me. He said he knew it. I think I need to spread the RoLove around. I love you. Like you are missing and not actually dead. What is your daughters name? She just looked at me and said, Ireland. I smiled and said, Its beautiful. That has been our girl name, for about 10 years. I sacrifice myself, for them. You know that you could have been in bed for the past year, and we would have all been o.k. I am a natural born mother. . I forgot to tell you all that I got a phone call from some lovely peeps that run a T.V. Almost 4 years, will never be enough. Holla! This was our last Thanksgiving with Ronan. But oh, how much fun would a little baby girl be. Of course Im cutting it close with not being able to fly due to being so far along in my pregnancy, but Im cutting it just close enough that I will make it. I think you would have liked the name. I dont have a clue as to how I am going to feel, once she arrives. The Kardashians?! I love you, Ronan. Rise and ShineInsomnia! My mind is always wandering to where you would be sitting, what you would be eating, how beautiful your little face would have looked lit up by the flickering of the candlelight. Your sweet little face. I told her I wasnt going to. I was so thankful to get out of the city. on A city where the happy is too loud so lets go away to the coldbeach, Not a life full of beauty but one full of beautiful momentsinstead, From what I can see here, it looks like you are having a baby. She is so lucky to have you. He responded back with a simple, I will. I said, I know. I was rocking her yesterday and your daddy came in to check on us. I was always so thankful for what we had. Why are you laughing. I have never believed in something more in my life, then you. Gay. Diving into the freezing ocean like I know you would have. I miss you so much, Ro. I imagined it. It is already her name, and she is not even here. I actually got nervous as I went to not shake her hand, but to give her a hug instead. For as much as I can say all I care about is a healthy baby, the truth is, a little girl would mean so much mainly for the fact that you wanted a baby sister. When Im not writing to you on the blog, I feel like a bad mom to you. I know what part of our connection is. Nobody wants to take care of you because youve been so mean. I miss you. Im better. How this was such an awful reason to have to run. He has saved my life and for that, I have you to thank. There happiness is how I judge good days now. I had all I could take. THANK YOU. What in the hell is that all about? Then the pictures just stop because no more can be taken. I left the restaurant with Liam. . That my life without you is full of so much pain, sadness and hurt. I went to our meeting, did my best to formulate my thoughts with this heavy fog that was hanging over my head (tiredness or so I thought), came home 4 hours later (meeting very productive) crawled into bed and by that time, every inch of my body was aching. I think you would have loved that name. Thankful for the opportunity to continue talking about Ronan, Taylor, childhood cancer, and the horrifically hard world of bereavedparents. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I gave in after trying everything to go to sleep last night, and popped my old friend, Ambien. Just throw a few raccoons my way. Its fluff and fluff does not work for me. Please let him be one of the reasons that you will work harder. I would like to rip its face off with my bare hands. THANK YOU. I love you. He always knows how to cheer me up, but I was still left a little shaken. Ronan. You have nothing to be sorry for.. I miss my workouts. I was holding him and our Mr. Sparkly Eyes came into the room. Happily. So much has happened and so much is going on that I dont even know what to address first. A city where the happy is too loud so lets go away to the coldbeach. Not crying. To me, the littlest things can sometimes seem like the most difficult. I dont know if this made me feel better, but I appreciated her taking the time to talk about the questions I have. You have no idea how glad I am you didnt listen to me on that one. Yes. She told me how she found out at 12 weeks here with both of her boys. Remember how I said that nothing will ever be the same again? When I'm not writing to you on the blog, I feel like a bad mom to you. I spent the rest of the day, resting and trying not to be resentful for it. These are kids. All I know is we have 3 bedrooms in our house and yours will not be turned into a nursery. I let it continue to play. They are like the air I breathe and I inhale them as much as I can. I dont think there is any deciding until we actually see this baby girl. Hearing those words from her meant a lot to me. We have decided my next one will be at 26 weeks. In a room full of scientists, doctors, researchers.. all there for pediatric cancer. I love you. There were sooooo many happy people, everywhere. The P.F. We think we have our boy name too. Ronan. Everything is different. I am a wealth of knowledge in all things raccoon now. Ronan. 31 on Billboard 200 and No. They are at practice now. I just feel like a mama who will do whatever it takes to continue fighting on for her child. Please work harder because there is a reason you are here. I hope you are safe. He was mine, how can that be? Then I remembered. I know I used the word unfair through my tears. I talked with her a bit about how I really didnt want to get it. This never works, but I will continue to try for the rest of my life. But I just promised him I would try instead. Lights out for the next 7 hours. I remember our last moments together. Alright little man. I miss you. I dont my hatred with meat will last, but as of now the thought of it makes me ill. Pie. I'm on my way home, and then I'm getting on a flight. I could describe him in a thousand different ways. You being sick, unable to do things, just does not go hand in hand. the chucking continues. I know you will. Macy is here now. Tomorrow is here, too. No matter how frustrated or sad I get because I know at the end of the day, youre not coming back. It cannot be real because it is too awful. I NEVER get to make him smile with happy news, because all the news I sit and share with him is usually so fucking sad or me venting. Quinn was over the moon. She knows that you are the force behind everything that comes my way. I have a ton more to write about, but I have to get ready for this little Skype interview set up that I am doing. You know how I am about just letting things, happen when they are supposed to. I think that is appropriate since it is the day that cancer stole you. Sometimes the simplest words, say it all. Finally, someone you can do all those girly things with that you love doing. Maybe Ill call it, What To Expect After Losing A Child And Having Another. I miss you so much. I cant wait for the day that I can see you again. I tappedon our kitchen the window. Today was as good of a day, as it could have been. Mother fucking asshole cancer. I was told I was in fact not having a mid life crisis, that everything I am feeling is just due to losing you which I of course already knew, but it was nice to hear it from a rational person. It actually felt good. We went over the ultrasound and all of Poppys measurements which look perfect. I said I knew. You know how he loves to play devils advocate with me. I would rather not put something into my body if I dont have to. Ronan. I cannot believe a mannequin is wearing my dead childs costume. I have to trust in you that your Poppy sister is going to be alright. I fell asleep early while your brothers played some zombie fighting video game in the living room. Thank you for not being thankful for any of the shallow things in life, but for the things that truly matter. Im not sure what we will do. I miss you. Liam chimed in, too. Through her tears she told me she was sorry, but how proud she was of all the things we are doing. I forget to write about 23 months without you. Of course it did. I dont know if things will ever be alright, Ronan. Some things I like to keep private, like peoples real names. This is all for tonight my most beautiful boy. She has our attention. The MRI showed a mass behind Nela's eye and it turned out, Nela did not just have allergies. Now I feel like I am in prison. I dont tolerate it. I got a text from your Sparkly. Please, Ronan. Instead, I grabbed Rachel and took her with me. I listened to him like I always do. I had a little secret very important meeting today. I hope you are safe. I dont know whats going on. I love the way we gather around our kitchen table, somebody always brings food, and we get down to business. We are home now. I end up with a black mascara filled face and usually huddled up on the floor somewhere. I love you. Of course my Taylor Swift playlist was playing. That is important to our family. I hope you are safe. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. I dont want to sit and punch things or hurt myself. This is the part where all you lovelies chime in on how brave I am. We Have a NewHome! I know that running away would not have solved my sadness, but living in the same house, without you is hard for me. I just let my eyes fall to the floor. She made me smile so for that moment in time, I was o.k. Then perfect little boy Ronan. Im not a researcher. My 2 a.m. witching hour can be fun, Ro! Nowhere else. Tell me your dream for all of this. So I blabbed all about our Neuroblastoma Research and Care Center. Liam and Quinn have a basketball game. I love people like that. I trust in you. I wanted the data to show your face instead. Its raining like crazy here today. I chose to escape instead. 6 would have been absolutely perfect in this so-called imperfect world that does not exist if you have all of your kids, healthy and living. If it was not, things like this would not just continue to happen over and over again. I wanted to say I dont know how to stop. I told them it was o.k. And guess what else this year is. I hope you are safe. Its got to be something bad, because too many good things are happening lately. I texted her back, Is it good news or bad news? I was expecting the bad from my friend and foundation president. I met with quite a few people and will have some decisions to make. Shes very eager which I like. We all are. Anybody that says otherwise, can fuck off. "Rockstar Ronan" ~ This is where I go before I log onto my e-mail in the mornings, before I check my business websites or do anything . I am so glad we are here.

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